Okay, so I lied. But hear me out.
Firstly the magazine never materialised. Partly because the "Editor" who was all full of piss and vinegar at the start, then couldn't be bothered to return anyones messages and partly because the gaggle of mates who he'd got on board were shoehorned into roles that didn't really suit them. In my opinion.
So as heartbreaking as THAT was (well, you can't miss what you've never had) I threw myself into writing the novel and guess what my darling OGIGers, its finished! And due for release in January. And because I don't really like to draw attention to myself, I'm planning to launch it on New Years Day. So look out for that one.
Okay, so it has been over 6 months since I have kept you up to date and I'm sorry it has been so long, but writing a blog and a book took some doing. So now that I no longer have to concentrate so fully on one, I can dedicate some much needed care and attention to the other. And now as I sit; the stale taste of Jack Daniels in my mouth from hitting the bottle hard last night with my favourite lesbians, sending horrendously explicit Grinds to someone who likes my chest hair in North Birmingham, I felt I had to fill you in on the life thus far.
Well, for starters, I thought I had found the perfect job. Recruitment consultancy. And I can see you all nodding your heads: Oh, he'd be perfect at that, being a peoples person and all. And I know because I would have agreed with you. But alas no. And before any other "people's people" out there consider going into the industry, let me save you a lot of time and energy.
Its sales.
So if you have ever worked at Staybright Windows and/or any other call centre the length and breadth of the country, you're in the right ballpark. And rather than flogging photocopying toner or timeshares in Tunisia, you are actually dealing with people's trust and feelings. And by no means do I regret it, and I have met some truly excellent Recruitment Consultants, but this old timer just couldn't pull it out of the bag. So I quit.
And I really should be more scared than I am, but I'm not because things have always figured themselves out. And if there's one thing I've learnt from jacking your life in and moving it to a smaller, more conservative city its THINGS ARE NEVER AS BAD AS YOU THINK THEY ARE GOING TO BE.
My imagination can be worse than any Stephen King book if I really put my mind to it, but life is not a horror novel or a potted history in the articles of Take A Break. Its a bit more merciful than that.... Unless you're Rose West of course.
What about the gay bar? I quit that too. As much as I loved it, the unfortunate thing is that the gays in Cheltenham talk. And if you go out, get blottoed on cheap Sambucca and call someone a thief behind their backs, chances are the old jungle drums will get to them before you do. So that had to go as well. And for the record, she wasn't a thief: I AM A COMEDIAN!!
So thats the job and the book. What about the love life I hear you cry! Well, aside from having to adopt a "one in one out" policy on the front door of my bedroom at one point, I am actually looking to settle down.
I want a dog.
I want a mantlepiece with sunkissed photos of me and the BF in Gran Canaria amongst my radio awards. I want a shelf of beer in the fridge instead of a four-pack, two cigarette butts languishing in the puddle by the back door, two sets of concealer marks on my white pillows. I mean: seriously. I had a clear out the other month and realised that all my good condoms were out of date! Its been so long since I've had meaningful bottom sex that I have literally expired rubber!
And whilst there have been a couple that really have meant something on this journey, I'm doing a Bonnie Tyler and holding out for a hero.... and listening to a lot of Katy Perry.
And I promise never to lie again so; same time, same place next month?
And if you want to hear more about the book then check out my video chapters at:
https://www.facebook.com/edwardpayneauthor
Love Ed. Singer, song writer, author, blogger, actor, shameless promoter. xx
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